Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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