connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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