What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
