dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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