Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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