Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
