did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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