I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
