i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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