FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
