I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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