I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Someone shattered a urinal.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
