If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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