you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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