allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize