I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
