Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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