She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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