So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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