I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
