im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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