Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
