Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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