Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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