I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
