ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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