My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
