That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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