so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
