I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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