the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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