My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
