if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
