Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
