I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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