Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
