So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize