So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
