New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
