Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
