You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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