a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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