it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
