hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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