why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
