Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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