i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
