dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
sarcasm needs its own font
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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