another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
