i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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