I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
