omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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