Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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