Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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