I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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