The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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