Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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