I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
