GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
