i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
