i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
