Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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