In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thank you for not boning my boss.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
