the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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