Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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