Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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