Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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